Ideas

I've been in a state of stagnance lately with nothing noteworthy to blog about.  Frustrated with the perpetual direction of nowhere that my life seems to be taking me, I had another angered conversation with God, Karma, the Universe or anyone that would listen last night on my way home from work.  The type I've become accustomed to having (and probably "Them" too), where it begins with, "First of all, I am thankful for what I have, but what gives?  Where am I headed and why haven't I gotten any farther?"

Well, one of "Them" answered today.  I got a random call from a dear cousin who gave me some good advice.  She said, "I know that your life isn't where you think it needs to be after all the hard work you've put in, but you really have the freedom right now to do whatever you want."  At first I was wondering where the conversation was about to go, but then she suggested that I should start using this time to work on my creative outlets.  Then she said she thought I should start working on a book.  And that is when I realized one of "Them" was at work here.  It was just earlier this week I had revisited the idea that I have had so many times that I should start writing a book of some kind and then after the heated one-way discussion I had with "Them" last night, I realized one of "Them" was speaking through her.  

Anyway, enough of that weirdo "universe talking to me" mumbo jumbo bullshit.

I will begin brainstorming to see where this takes me, (if anywhere).  I have lots of ideas floating around in my head but we will see what ends up typed out.  I plan to make the following vows though:

1.  This is just for fun and a creative outlet.

2.  I will not let it begin to stress me out.

3.  It may suck ass and be stupid but, refer back to point #1 if it does.

4.  I will not take criticisms too harshly because, once again, point #1.

So, thank you to my sweet cousin for being the human channel and giving me the advice that "Them" wanted me to have.  Thank you to "Them" for using her as your human channel.  And here goes to this project that might take me until I'm 90 to finish but will be fun and allow me to get into the mind of someone else and tell a story from their perspective.  

Cheers to you, me, and "Them,"

Deb 

Coffee, Water, Wine.: Trapped

Coffee, Water, Wine.: Trapped: Today I was held hostage. Welllllll, kind of.   The story begins with me skipping out on responsibility.  Okay, not really.  I was supposed ...

Trapped

Today I was held hostage.

Welllllll, kind of.  

The story begins with me skipping out on responsibility.  Okay, not really.  I was supposed to be in volunteer training for CPR for the last two days but due to miscommunications and bad timing, I was unable to get the prerequisites finished in time.  I had already planned on staying with one of my cousins in Birmingham since that's where the training is and I live an hour away, so I called her up and told her I was still coming over but didn't have to go to the training.  It just so happened that she was off work today, so we spent the day doing whatever we so desired.  Turned out that our desire on this hot 95 degree Alabama summer day was to spend it poolside at the local community center close to where she lives.  

We decided before hitting the pool that we would hit the discount movie theater to check out Scott Eastwood in the latest Nicolas Sparks smarm.  I don't care for that type of movie and neither does she but we both agreed that staring at him for 2 hours was worth every penny of that $1.50.  Still couldn't tell you the entire plot of the movie though, or if it even had one-are Nicolas Sparks movies the chick flick version of porn-no plots, just a predictable movie set to a soundtrack?  All I can tell you is we swooned quite a bit over Mr. Eastwood Jr.  

We were still swooning when we finally made it to the pool.  Then we spotted a new object of swoon-possibly the hottest single dad in Birmingham (and then what appeared to be his silver fox single dad who joined him a little later).  

Our minds were distracted with hot men and the even hotter sun when we decided we would go dip in the pool to cool off.  When we made it to the pool's edge, my cousin pointed out that a lady we walked by was a local news anchor.  Then as we stepped further into the pool we saw a cameraman come around the corner, toting equipment to set up.  RIGHT NEXT TO OUR CHAIRS.  Since neither one of us has the self esteem to EVER handle being filmed in our swimsuits, we decided to wait it out deep in the pool.  

We secured a location at the far side of the pool, ducked into the water down to our chins, and waited.  And waited.  And waited.  We would lift our heads occasionally so that our eyes were slightly above cement level and we could monitor the progress of the news crew to know when we could make a break for it.  They set up the camera.  They appeared to film the spot.  They stood there for eternity.  Then it looked like they filmed another spot.  Then they stood there for another eternity.  There we were-trapped in the pool, held hostage by the local news crew and our own insecurities.

An hour later (but what felt like 5 hours when you are sitting motionless up to your chin in water), we noticed that the news anchor walked out the gates, but the camera tripod still stood and we had lost track of the cameraman.  I looked at my cousin in horror and said, "I hope like hell he is not behind us filming a close up of us acting like two creepers in the pool."  I slowly scanned the perimeter of the pool and thankfully he was not anywhere to be seen.  Then we located him again across the pool and saw him walk out the gate.  But the tripod was still set up and we figured they were probably going to film again for the 6:00 news.  There was no way in hell we were going to sit another hour up to our necks in chlorine, so after several minutes of deliberation and no signs of them coming back in the gates, we decided it was safe to return to our chairs, gather our belongings, and get the hell out of Dodge.  

So I succesfully evaded my captors and avoided being on the local news with all my jiggly parts exposed.  And the only scars I had thankfully were these:

A condition known as prune fingers.  

Wishing you all a high and dry evening,

Deb

Coffee, Water, Wine.: Finding My Happy

Coffee, Water, Wine.: Finding My Happy: This week begins my second week of unemployment.  Turns out my backbone of steel melted with the (ex) new job when I was expected to still s...

Finding My Happy

This week begins my second week of unemployment.  Turns out my backbone of steel melted with the (ex) new job when I was expected to still staff (while understaffed) sitting in the ER waiting for Dad's pacemaker to be replaced.  There are some things in life I can handle.  Seeing my Dad basically flatline a couple of times right in front of me is not one of them.  Seeing this while my phone was being constantly blown up with work issues (and receiving no offers of help from co-workers) is DEFINITELY not one of them.  So listening to my mother's advice (she has had a staffing position before-she understood the hell I was in), I had my first ever Johnny Paycheck moment of my career (and hopefully my last).

The universe works in strange ways.  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  I knew there was a reason every molecule in my body was screaming "LEAVE THIS JOB!"  I knew there was a bad gut feeling from the beginning that I ignored-like so many other times in my life.  One would think at the ripe old age of 37, (that's sarcasm by the way, I know I'm not old. Or ripe.) I would at least learn to go with gut instinct.  But no, I'm still quite adept at ignoring the shit out of it.  So I stuck it out as long as I could and then bolted when enough was enough.  But it turned out that it was all a part of a bigger plan.  It turned out that Mom and Dad needed me here the last couple of weeks more than I needed to be at a soul-selling, life-sucking, underpaying, overstressing job.

And I have remembered some things about myself in the last couple of weeks that I had forgotten because I had gotten consumed in the race with the Joneses.  You know that race.  We are all in it to some degree.  The American dream.  To make more money, be more successful, and climb that corporate ladder so hard and so high that we forget who we are, lose pieces of ourself, and mold ourselves and our personalities to conform with the rest of the world.  But it turns out that I forgot somewhere along the way that I don't give a shit about any of that.  I could care less if I ever become rich or have a title behind my name because I just want to be happy.  I would rather make a positive difference in this world than to make loads of cash.  You can't take cash with you when you leave the world but you can leave your footprints for those behind you to follow.  

I also learned that I can't go for long periods of being unemployed because I will absolutely go mad with boredom.  In the last two weeks, I have reacquainted myself with yardwork, gardening, climbing ladders (the literal kind-that are wobbly on uneven ground and make someone afraid of heights unable to shit for 3 weeks after being on them), deep cleaning, cooking, grilling, running, chauffeuring my Dad when he was still unable to drive around...ok you get the picture.  I have to stay busy to have peace of mind.  I am physically and mentally unable to sit idle for any extended amount of time.  Plus I have been anxious about paying my bills because my funds are quickly depleting so staying busy in between job searching has helped me keep my sanity.  But thankfully, today I heard back from a potential employer and I have an interview.  So I exhaled and decided to truly enjoy what I hope will be my last week of unemployment.  Im sure I will look back at this time and think, "Man I sure wish I had enjoyed my time off without worrying about my next paycheck."  But on the other hand, I will be glad to get back to a state of normalcy for me.  

Today, Dad drove into town to pick up some odds and ends while I cleaned house.  I got the call for the interview while he was gone so I texted Mom to tell her the good news and planned on telling Dad when he got home.  Turns out he had run into Mom while in town and she relayed the good news.  And never being one to give up a free excuse to celebrate (even though I don't have the job, just an interview), Dad brought home a six pack of Dos Equis (under the guise that we HAD to have beer if we were grilling out).  So, when he got home we puttered around the house doing things like repotting ferns and hanging and refilling bird feeders.  Simple tasks that seem so burdensome and overwhelming when they are added to the laundry list of items that need to be done after working a 40 plus hour work week.  But tasks that if you truly take time to be in the moment with, can be so rewarding and fulfilling.  Then we sat and drank the beer, I grilled (with his supervision), and we enjoyed the beautiful spring Alabama evening on our back porch.  

And now my anxiety has started to dissipate because I'm remembering that life has a way of telling us that everything is going to be ok and all things work out in due time.  I just need to remember to stop and enjoy the simple tasks.  Be in the moment.  Get my hands dirty.  Climb the scary, wobbly ladder.  Drink a beer.  And don't allow worry to consume me.  It is here that I find the real me again.  It is here that I find my true happy.  

I will close by sharing a few pictures from my day:

    

This was after I wondered for a few seconds why the brand new vacuum was not working.

I realized after repotting ferns that I desperately need to cut my nails.  Eww.

No these are not arteries in my arm.  This is what happens when someone who is 5'5" tries to fill a hummingbird feeder that is mounted 6 feet high.   

Kebabs that turned out to be one of the best things I've ever cooked.  Well grilled.  And then again, it might have been the beer.

Speaking of...

Perfect end to a perfect day.

Peace, love, and cheers,

Deborah

Music

Life is full of choices.  Life is full of decisions.  Some good, some bad.  Life is a continuous stream of endings and new beginnings.  We distract ourselves with all the things that allow us to take our minds off of life-tv, movies, books, and music.  By engaging in these activities, it allows our minds to recharge.  To think of something outside of our ruminations.  To give our minds (and ourselves) a break in the monotony of thought patterns that become so tiresome.  

Toniight I am listening to music.  I have been on a Netflix and Hulu binge ever since we got Uverse out here in the sticks (that is the rural area for those unfamiliar with Alabama country slang).  I knew when I couldn't focus on tv any longer it was time to give my brain a break.  And despite the growing stack of magazines on my nightstand and the 6 or 7 books I currently am reading simultaneously (ok so it's more like 3 or 4), I just felt the draw of music in my soul.  I know you all know what I am talking about.  (Unless you are part of the less than 1% of the population that doesn't connect with music.)  I just thought of a song that I wanted to download and one thing led to another and I downloaded about 10 and here I sit, listening and writing.  

Music is just so healing to me (and I'm sure many, many, others).  It gives me time to reflect on things that have happened, things that I would like to happen, and daydream about things that probably won't happen.  A certain song brings up an old memory, another inspires me.  One makes me happy, another one sad.  And on and on it goes.  I can watch tv for so long and I am out like a light (ask any of my family members-who claim I have a form of narcolepsy).  I can read a book until I fall asleep.  However, I can sit in a dark room and listen to music all night and never get tired.  Growing up, I was the oddball child locked in her bedroom learning the poetry of Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix while the rest of the family were in the liviing room glued to the tv.  Guess that explains why some of the best naps I have ever had have been in movie theaters (albeit expensive ones).

A lot has happened this week.  A lot that I don't feel like writing about right now.  Good decisions, bad decisions, scary decisions, things out of my control and things in my control.  But for now, I just want to take a moment to breathe (for what feels like the first time all week), enjoy a glass of wine (or maybe two?-notice that question mark), and allow the healing power of music to take over and fill those holes I was beginning to feel.  I'm sure you can relate.  If you have ever turned up your radio because "that" song came on and it was just what you needed right then, right there, then you know exactly the feeling I am talking about.

So tonight I say cheers to music, the talented people that gift us with it, and the emotion it brings us.  

I hope your Friday is full of hope and happiness.  I hope that you can reflect back on this week and feel a sense of fulfillment and look foward to the weekend with a sense of calm.

Peace and love to you all,

Deborah

Running on Empty

"I don't know when that road turned, into the road I'm on

Running on, running on empty
Running on, running blind
Running on, running into the sun
But I'm running behind

Everyone I know, everywhere I go
People need some reason to believe
I don't know about anyone but me
If it takes all night, that'll be all right
If I can get you to smile before I leave

Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels
I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels." 

                  -Jackson Browne

                    "Running on Empty"

Tonight I'm watching old SNL episodes and I guess I never really listened to the lyrics of Jackson Browne's "Running on Empty" until I heard it on there tonight. Pretty deep. And pretty much explains how I've felt this week.  

I've been running all week. Spinning my wheels really. 

And weird things have happened. My cat has fleas (for the first time in a decade) that have somehow managed to be immune to Frontline so I've been trying natural ways to kill them all the while she continually scratches and has an ever-growing number of scabs on her ears and neck. Poor thing. 

Then the dog had to be put down. She was 18 years old and I'll just save that story for another blog on another day. Too much emotion behind that for now. 

And then there's that wonderful new job I'm still trying to turn a paler shade of green at. All I'm going to say is that for reasons beyond my control (staffing), it is rough right now. But I'm toughing it out because even though my nerves, girly hormones, and mood swings can sometimes get the best of me (and those around me, bless them), I know what I'm made of. I know I am my father's and my mother's daughter. I have a backbone of steel, and iron determination, and a will to succeed and never give up. It took me 37 years to figure out that I am not a quitter. And though I won't let anything or anyone get the best of me, I WONT give up. Just not in my psyche anymore. Used to be. But not now. 

So given the bad day I had. Scratch that. Every day is a good day because it's a day I'm alive (forgive the Pollyanna moment there). But it was a grueling 10 hour day. Wait. Scratch that again. My day began at midnight last night. So we will just say...it's been rough. Trying, hectic, busy and just rough. But that led me to the wine. And the SNL. And then the Jackson Browne song. And it really does fit my life right now. 

So I just wanted to share the clip from the song that really spoke to me.  Maybe there's someone else out there that has also disregarded the meaning of this song because-like me-they grew up hearing it so many times at such a young age, they really didn't have the vocabulary to interpret the words and the melody just didn't appeal to them enough back then for them to carry it into adulthood like some of the other great songs of the Seventies. 

And then I'm sure there are plenty of people who have always loved the song whether it be for the melody or the meaning. 

But I'm glad I can find a new appreciation for this old gem. I hope you can too. :)

Peace and love always (and a little throwback nostalgia),

Deborah

Reflections

It's been a trial-by-fire type of week. I started my new job with one of the worst head colds I've had in years, attended a really fun bachelorette party (well my body was there but not my mind so much), and I helped send off my Mum to California for the week. 

So now here I sit, trying to watch the Game of Thrones premiere that I've waited all year on and I can't tell you one thing that has happened on it because I'm so distracted trying to catch up on the things I would normally do during the week (laundry, social media, blog, etc). It's hard to make my mind slow down and focus on just one thing when it's been on rapid-fire all week. Which is why I'm choosing now to write this blog. ;)

Earlier today, I was worried that I had made a huge mistake by taking this job because my weekend was so interrupted with putting out fires that I could barely enjoy myself at the party (hence the comment about my body being there but not so much my mind). I wondered if maybe I just wasn't used to stress like this because I haven't had a stressful job in a long time but then I reminded myself that it was just this time last year that I not only had a full time job, but also an internship and full class work. So I ruminated all the way home from the party-you know, the usual things one would pour over. "What have I gotten myself into?", "How long will I be trapped in this hell?", "Maybe I can just file bankruptcy and live in the woods the rest of my life?".

Long story short, I was reassured by my coworker that this weekend was atypical and that once we get more fully staffed my weekends won't be so hectic. (So I guess the woods will have to wait for now.)

At the end of this evening, I have finally taken a deep breath, poured a glass of wine (Dreaming Tree Crush of course), and started to unwind. 

That being said, I'd just like to close by saying that I hope you all have found your breath, your happy places, and your own time-however it is you wind down-and will take the time to reflect on this week. The good, the bad, and the insanely hectic. 

I'm going to post my favorite picture from this weekend. No it's not one of the normal ones you would expect from a bachelorette party-although, there were plenty of those taken as well. 

Instead, I'll post the one that shows the moment I found the most serenity in. The moment when I could stop and breathe somewhere in between chaos and calm. My friend Jenifer, the bride-to-be, took a few of us out in a boat on the lake of her family's property at sunset and it was just perfect. I love sundown. It's my favorite time of day. The sky becomes magic.  The colors seem brighter yet the atmosphere becomes so still and quiet that you can almost hear the world getting sleepy. 

I'm working on my balance with this new job. And blending the fun with the work is new for me but I know I'll get better at it. 

I'm just glad to know that I can still stop and enjoy a good sunset. 

Love and peace,

Deborah

Changes

It's been a strange week.  

I'm currently ending one career path and taking a new one.  I have worked in the banking industry for most of my life and about four years ago, decided to get a degree in healthcare management because I felt like it would provide for a better career path for me-well, blah, blah, blah-doesn't matter why, just know that I got the degree.

I graduated last spring and it has been a heartwrenching year of searching, applying, and never getting called in for an interview.  Then finally, my luck changed, I got a call for an interview and long story short, got the job after a bit of a harrowing interview process.  

So this has been my last week at my current job.  My job that I have had for 8 years.  The job that I have gotten to know my co-workers so well that they feel more like family than co-workers.  The week began with this unbearable anxiety of not knowing whether or not this was the right decision.  My emotions wavered from happiness and excitement to sadness and fear.  Then I finally got to that numb point when I couldn't process any more emotions, so I tried to just feel nothing.

Then today happened.  It is my next to last day, and my co-workers threw me a going away party.  My mantra all week has been, "I won't cry. I won't cry. I won't cry."  

I cried.

Then I cried again tonight when I read their cards wishing me well and congratulating me.  And I fully expect to cry again tomorrow when I walk out the doors for the last time.  

Crying is not an easy emotion for me to do in front of people.  I don't know why, but I just like crying in private.  Maybe because snot runs down my face, maybe because I look like I've gone 20 rounds with Mike Tyson, or maybe because I just don't like showing my vulnerable side.  But that's for me and a therapist to figure out one day I guess. 

Changing careers at any age is scary.  But this has been the hardest for me and I haven't figured out why yet.  I just wish I could be my 20 something self again sometimes and jump into new opportunities with wreckless abandon and little thought, but that is just not who I am anymore.  At 37, I have to analyze and contemplate every decision.  It also doesn't help that I am a Libra, and there is an inherent need for me to weigh every possible outcome before I can make my mind up.  And I guess the fact that at my age I am now expected to be an adult and make my decisions carefully and take them seriously plays a role in it being harder to just jump into the next big thing.

But the next big thing is almost here.  After tomorrow, I have Friday through Monday off to take a long weekend to decompress, have family time on Easter, and get ready for the next big thing on Tuesday when I start my new job.  It is somewhat fitting that my new beginning begins after Easter, the Christian holiday that symbolizes all new beginnings.  And in the Spring time, when flowers start to bloom and life just seems to begin to flourish with new color and meaning.  

I look forward to my new beginning.  But I also look back at the people I won't get to see everyday.  I don't know what I ever did to deserve such a wonderful life.  But I'm thankful for whatever it was and for the people I have been given.  The people I have met, my work family, my real family and my friends mean more to me than they will ever know.  I don't tell people how much I think about them or how much I care about them nearly enough.  (I'll work on that.)

I'll finish my reflections tonight with a Rumi Quote.  (For anyone who doesn't know, I love Rumi poems and quotes.)

"Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond." -Rumi

Goodnight and peace to all,

Deborah

Alpha

After people telling me for years that I should start a blog, and after creating a Blogger profile 4 years ago that I never posted anything to, I've finally decided to give it a shot.

So here goes....

I have had ten thousand ideas of things that I should blog about and naturally now that I am in front of a glowing white screen, my brain has decided to suppress anything that has happened in my life beyond the last 2 hours.

That being said, I will simply use this post as my de-virginization (is that a word?) in the blogging world.  I won't spend time right now writing an "about me" type of post because I hope to commit to this long term and I think you will get to know me quite well over time (and for those of you that already know me, that's kind of pointless anyway).  

I look forward to this journey.  I warn you though that I am not a writer, so please keep an open mind and forgive any literary faux pas.  I hope I can provide insight, advice, humor, and kind words and I hope I can learn and grow from this as well.  

I currently have my mom, a niece, and two nephews swirling around me ready to watch Despicable Me for the 829th time (we love Minions in our family-more on that later).  I also currently have an unopened bottle of Dreaming Tree Crush wine waiting to be poured so now that my blog cherry has been popped, I will take to the wine and family for the evening. 

I hope you enjoy your Saturday evening, I know that I will.

Cheers,

Deborah