Finding My Happy

This week begins my second week of unemployment.  Turns out my backbone of steel melted with the (ex) new job when I was expected to still staff (while understaffed) sitting in the ER waiting for Dad's pacemaker to be replaced.  There are some things in life I can handle.  Seeing my Dad basically flatline a couple of times right in front of me is not one of them.  Seeing this while my phone was being constantly blown up with work issues (and receiving no offers of help from co-workers) is DEFINITELY not one of them.  So listening to my mother's advice (she has had a staffing position before-she understood the hell I was in), I had my first ever Johnny Paycheck moment of my career (and hopefully my last).

The universe works in strange ways.  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  I knew there was a reason every molecule in my body was screaming "LEAVE THIS JOB!"  I knew there was a bad gut feeling from the beginning that I ignored-like so many other times in my life.  One would think at the ripe old age of 37, (that's sarcasm by the way, I know I'm not old. Or ripe.) I would at least learn to go with gut instinct.  But no, I'm still quite adept at ignoring the shit out of it.  So I stuck it out as long as I could and then bolted when enough was enough.  But it turned out that it was all a part of a bigger plan.  It turned out that Mom and Dad needed me here the last couple of weeks more than I needed to be at a soul-selling, life-sucking, underpaying, overstressing job.

And I have remembered some things about myself in the last couple of weeks that I had forgotten because I had gotten consumed in the race with the Joneses.  You know that race.  We are all in it to some degree.  The American dream.  To make more money, be more successful, and climb that corporate ladder so hard and so high that we forget who we are, lose pieces of ourself, and mold ourselves and our personalities to conform with the rest of the world.  But it turns out that I forgot somewhere along the way that I don't give a shit about any of that.  I could care less if I ever become rich or have a title behind my name because I just want to be happy.  I would rather make a positive difference in this world than to make loads of cash.  You can't take cash with you when you leave the world but you can leave your footprints for those behind you to follow.  

I also learned that I can't go for long periods of being unemployed because I will absolutely go mad with boredom.  In the last two weeks, I have reacquainted myself with yardwork, gardening, climbing ladders (the literal kind-that are wobbly on uneven ground and make someone afraid of heights unable to shit for 3 weeks after being on them), deep cleaning, cooking, grilling, running, chauffeuring my Dad when he was still unable to drive around...ok you get the picture.  I have to stay busy to have peace of mind.  I am physically and mentally unable to sit idle for any extended amount of time.  Plus I have been anxious about paying my bills because my funds are quickly depleting so staying busy in between job searching has helped me keep my sanity.  But thankfully, today I heard back from a potential employer and I have an interview.  So I exhaled and decided to truly enjoy what I hope will be my last week of unemployment.  Im sure I will look back at this time and think, "Man I sure wish I had enjoyed my time off without worrying about my next paycheck."  But on the other hand, I will be glad to get back to a state of normalcy for me.  

Today, Dad drove into town to pick up some odds and ends while I cleaned house.  I got the call for the interview while he was gone so I texted Mom to tell her the good news and planned on telling Dad when he got home.  Turns out he had run into Mom while in town and she relayed the good news.  And never being one to give up a free excuse to celebrate (even though I don't have the job, just an interview), Dad brought home a six pack of Dos Equis (under the guise that we HAD to have beer if we were grilling out).  So, when he got home we puttered around the house doing things like repotting ferns and hanging and refilling bird feeders.  Simple tasks that seem so burdensome and overwhelming when they are added to the laundry list of items that need to be done after working a 40 plus hour work week.  But tasks that if you truly take time to be in the moment with, can be so rewarding and fulfilling.  Then we sat and drank the beer, I grilled (with his supervision), and we enjoyed the beautiful spring Alabama evening on our back porch.  

And now my anxiety has started to dissipate because I'm remembering that life has a way of telling us that everything is going to be ok and all things work out in due time.  I just need to remember to stop and enjoy the simple tasks.  Be in the moment.  Get my hands dirty.  Climb the scary, wobbly ladder.  Drink a beer.  And don't allow worry to consume me.  It is here that I find the real me again.  It is here that I find my true happy.  

I will close by sharing a few pictures from my day:

    

This was after I wondered for a few seconds why the brand new vacuum was not working.

I realized after repotting ferns that I desperately need to cut my nails.  Eww.

No these are not arteries in my arm.  This is what happens when someone who is 5'5" tries to fill a hummingbird feeder that is mounted 6 feet high.   

Kebabs that turned out to be one of the best things I've ever cooked.  Well grilled.  And then again, it might have been the beer.

Speaking of...

Perfect end to a perfect day.

Peace, love, and cheers,

Deborah