Running on Empty

"I don't know when that road turned, into the road I'm on

Running on, running on empty
Running on, running blind
Running on, running into the sun
But I'm running behind

Everyone I know, everywhere I go
People need some reason to believe
I don't know about anyone but me
If it takes all night, that'll be all right
If I can get you to smile before I leave

Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels
I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels." 

                  -Jackson Browne

                    "Running on Empty"

Tonight I'm watching old SNL episodes and I guess I never really listened to the lyrics of Jackson Browne's "Running on Empty" until I heard it on there tonight. Pretty deep. And pretty much explains how I've felt this week.  

I've been running all week. Spinning my wheels really. 

And weird things have happened. My cat has fleas (for the first time in a decade) that have somehow managed to be immune to Frontline so I've been trying natural ways to kill them all the while she continually scratches and has an ever-growing number of scabs on her ears and neck. Poor thing. 

Then the dog had to be put down. She was 18 years old and I'll just save that story for another blog on another day. Too much emotion behind that for now. 

And then there's that wonderful new job I'm still trying to turn a paler shade of green at. All I'm going to say is that for reasons beyond my control (staffing), it is rough right now. But I'm toughing it out because even though my nerves, girly hormones, and mood swings can sometimes get the best of me (and those around me, bless them), I know what I'm made of. I know I am my father's and my mother's daughter. I have a backbone of steel, and iron determination, and a will to succeed and never give up. It took me 37 years to figure out that I am not a quitter. And though I won't let anything or anyone get the best of me, I WONT give up. Just not in my psyche anymore. Used to be. But not now. 

So given the bad day I had. Scratch that. Every day is a good day because it's a day I'm alive (forgive the Pollyanna moment there). But it was a grueling 10 hour day. Wait. Scratch that again. My day began at midnight last night. So we will just say...it's been rough. Trying, hectic, busy and just rough. But that led me to the wine. And the SNL. And then the Jackson Browne song. And it really does fit my life right now. 

So I just wanted to share the clip from the song that really spoke to me.  Maybe there's someone else out there that has also disregarded the meaning of this song because-like me-they grew up hearing it so many times at such a young age, they really didn't have the vocabulary to interpret the words and the melody just didn't appeal to them enough back then for them to carry it into adulthood like some of the other great songs of the Seventies. 

And then I'm sure there are plenty of people who have always loved the song whether it be for the melody or the meaning. 

But I'm glad I can find a new appreciation for this old gem. I hope you can too. :)

Peace and love always (and a little throwback nostalgia),

Deborah

Reflections

It's been a trial-by-fire type of week. I started my new job with one of the worst head colds I've had in years, attended a really fun bachelorette party (well my body was there but not my mind so much), and I helped send off my Mum to California for the week. 

So now here I sit, trying to watch the Game of Thrones premiere that I've waited all year on and I can't tell you one thing that has happened on it because I'm so distracted trying to catch up on the things I would normally do during the week (laundry, social media, blog, etc). It's hard to make my mind slow down and focus on just one thing when it's been on rapid-fire all week. Which is why I'm choosing now to write this blog. ;)

Earlier today, I was worried that I had made a huge mistake by taking this job because my weekend was so interrupted with putting out fires that I could barely enjoy myself at the party (hence the comment about my body being there but not so much my mind). I wondered if maybe I just wasn't used to stress like this because I haven't had a stressful job in a long time but then I reminded myself that it was just this time last year that I not only had a full time job, but also an internship and full class work. So I ruminated all the way home from the party-you know, the usual things one would pour over. "What have I gotten myself into?", "How long will I be trapped in this hell?", "Maybe I can just file bankruptcy and live in the woods the rest of my life?".

Long story short, I was reassured by my coworker that this weekend was atypical and that once we get more fully staffed my weekends won't be so hectic. (So I guess the woods will have to wait for now.)

At the end of this evening, I have finally taken a deep breath, poured a glass of wine (Dreaming Tree Crush of course), and started to unwind. 

That being said, I'd just like to close by saying that I hope you all have found your breath, your happy places, and your own time-however it is you wind down-and will take the time to reflect on this week. The good, the bad, and the insanely hectic. 

I'm going to post my favorite picture from this weekend. No it's not one of the normal ones you would expect from a bachelorette party-although, there were plenty of those taken as well. 

Instead, I'll post the one that shows the moment I found the most serenity in. The moment when I could stop and breathe somewhere in between chaos and calm. My friend Jenifer, the bride-to-be, took a few of us out in a boat on the lake of her family's property at sunset and it was just perfect. I love sundown. It's my favorite time of day. The sky becomes magic.  The colors seem brighter yet the atmosphere becomes so still and quiet that you can almost hear the world getting sleepy. 

I'm working on my balance with this new job. And blending the fun with the work is new for me but I know I'll get better at it. 

I'm just glad to know that I can still stop and enjoy a good sunset. 

Love and peace,

Deborah

Changes

It's been a strange week.  

I'm currently ending one career path and taking a new one.  I have worked in the banking industry for most of my life and about four years ago, decided to get a degree in healthcare management because I felt like it would provide for a better career path for me-well, blah, blah, blah-doesn't matter why, just know that I got the degree.

I graduated last spring and it has been a heartwrenching year of searching, applying, and never getting called in for an interview.  Then finally, my luck changed, I got a call for an interview and long story short, got the job after a bit of a harrowing interview process.  

So this has been my last week at my current job.  My job that I have had for 8 years.  The job that I have gotten to know my co-workers so well that they feel more like family than co-workers.  The week began with this unbearable anxiety of not knowing whether or not this was the right decision.  My emotions wavered from happiness and excitement to sadness and fear.  Then I finally got to that numb point when I couldn't process any more emotions, so I tried to just feel nothing.

Then today happened.  It is my next to last day, and my co-workers threw me a going away party.  My mantra all week has been, "I won't cry. I won't cry. I won't cry."  

I cried.

Then I cried again tonight when I read their cards wishing me well and congratulating me.  And I fully expect to cry again tomorrow when I walk out the doors for the last time.  

Crying is not an easy emotion for me to do in front of people.  I don't know why, but I just like crying in private.  Maybe because snot runs down my face, maybe because I look like I've gone 20 rounds with Mike Tyson, or maybe because I just don't like showing my vulnerable side.  But that's for me and a therapist to figure out one day I guess. 

Changing careers at any age is scary.  But this has been the hardest for me and I haven't figured out why yet.  I just wish I could be my 20 something self again sometimes and jump into new opportunities with wreckless abandon and little thought, but that is just not who I am anymore.  At 37, I have to analyze and contemplate every decision.  It also doesn't help that I am a Libra, and there is an inherent need for me to weigh every possible outcome before I can make my mind up.  And I guess the fact that at my age I am now expected to be an adult and make my decisions carefully and take them seriously plays a role in it being harder to just jump into the next big thing.

But the next big thing is almost here.  After tomorrow, I have Friday through Monday off to take a long weekend to decompress, have family time on Easter, and get ready for the next big thing on Tuesday when I start my new job.  It is somewhat fitting that my new beginning begins after Easter, the Christian holiday that symbolizes all new beginnings.  And in the Spring time, when flowers start to bloom and life just seems to begin to flourish with new color and meaning.  

I look forward to my new beginning.  But I also look back at the people I won't get to see everyday.  I don't know what I ever did to deserve such a wonderful life.  But I'm thankful for whatever it was and for the people I have been given.  The people I have met, my work family, my real family and my friends mean more to me than they will ever know.  I don't tell people how much I think about them or how much I care about them nearly enough.  (I'll work on that.)

I'll finish my reflections tonight with a Rumi Quote.  (For anyone who doesn't know, I love Rumi poems and quotes.)

"Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond." -Rumi

Goodnight and peace to all,

Deborah